The Stillroom

If you’ve been reading Vicki’s blog you know that she was ill with pancreatic cancer. I’m sad to tell you that she passed away in the early morning of Saturday, October 28, 2023.

She spent her last week at UPMC’s Canterbury Place hospice facility where she received excellent, compassionate care. She received visits from her family members to say their good-byes and I was able to stay with her in her room for that week. I was holding her hand as she slipped away.

During this past year, she had her moments as anyone would, but she never felt sorry for herself and her only concern was the our son Anthony and I would be OK without her. With time, we’ll be OK but things will never be the same without her.

We’ve been together and in love since 1977. She is truly the best person I’ve ever known. Everybody loved Vicki.

Life is unpredictable and often much too short. Make sure the people that you love know how you feel. Make every one of your days on this planet count.

The picture above was taken at the Portland Oregon Saturday Market in 1979. Vicki was 24. I’ve been going through our photographs and this is one of my favorites. It captures perfectly the spirit of the girl that I loved. We both have many years between the day this picture was taken and today, but when I looked at her, this was the girl that I saw.

In the coming weeks, I’ll continue to post to her blog and tell you more about this wonderful girl.

Mike

I have met with the intake hospice nurse. I’m starting the process of end of life protocol. It’s pretty emotional stuff. Pain is becoming noticeable and constant. Not terrible but it’s there. I meet with my weekly nurse today. I guess I shouldn’t be scared because they make the transition as peaceful as possible. I told her I don’t want to pass at home so hopefully when my time is near, I can go to Canterbury Place in Lawrenceville. I’ll keep updating as my energy allows. I’m starting to be more tired but still manage day to day life around the house. Laundry, loading dishwasher, vacuuming etc. I’m glad we are enjoying cooler weather. I finally managed to grow mini sunflowers this summer so I outsmarted the deer for the first time. I don’t want to leave the planet. I don’t know if there is anyone waiting on the other side. No one knows. I think our souls just zoom out into space.and then it’s a wrap.

Well, the news is not good. The cancer has spread to my lungs and it’s probably time to start speaking with my palliative care docs. I see the oncologist Monday for the official bad news. I have to be brave because that’s all that’s left. What a ride it’s been since my diagnosis last October.

CT scan today.

My last round of chemo was canceled because of my platelet numbers plus it is taking its toll on me physically. This is such a life altering experience. From running a shop for 20 years to sleeping the afternoons away. A scan is in a couple of weeks. I am going to see about some mental help from docs that deal with folks in my situation. It’s depressing, tiring,sad and frustrating so I have recognized that I need help with this. The beautiful paper flowers are from my sweet mom in law. They look so pretty in the white vase in my bookcase full of vintage white pieces. They are so lovely to look at and kind of dramatic!

youtube.com/watch

theologians lyrics https://g.co/kgs/qHPzET

I’m going to miss this back forty. I know I won’t be seeing it next year.

My weight is starting to drop faster than I’d like to see it even though I have it to lose. When diagnosed with a terminal illness and there is still life within, a lot of life gets lost. I can’t have what I had. It’s all doctors and treatments and just feeling downhearted constantly because I know what’s coming. I’m tired. Tired, sad, scared, achy, mentally exhausted, yeah, poor me. I see people every week going through the same shit as me. We are ghosts of ourselves. Just going through the motions, trying to hang on to what?