The Stillroom

Happiness is when my brother pays a surprise visit with a beautiful “wish fairy.” The little clay beauty was made by local artist Rebecca Andrew just for me. The work is so intricate and delicate and I love it! Becky is a well-known local artist and her works have been on display in various places through the years including her own studio. She has done photography and a slew of other mediums, all of which are beautiful. How do I hold on to just one wish when I have so many? Thank you, Ray and Sue. You really caught me by surprise today and that gesture brightened my otherwise dreary Sunday along with the awesome homemade garlic pickles! I have been a very, very fortunate girl. It makes me feel good to know all of the good vibes keep coming at me from all directions. This is a mentally grueling experience, not going to lie. I hope I can get out of the house tomorrow and to the shop.

Push. Push.Push. Push. Push. Push.

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this is the extent of my holiday decorating so far. I found this lovely bowl at a thrift store a few years ago. It was made in Italy and hand painted. I just throw some little battery lights in it and put it on the mantle. It’s one of my favorite things.

I know today was small business Saturday but I just wasn’t feeling well enough to restock some merch.

My sis brought some soup over yesterday and it was a welcome meal for today…complete with noodles☺️

I took Tylenol today and iced my back a lot and it really did help. I can move around a good bit better.

I recorded Uncle Buck yesterday and watched it this afternoon. John Candy was so great. I think it might have been one of John Hughes’ first movies with Macaulay Culken before Home Alone. It was a good diversion plus I can blow through commercials.

We watched Goodnight Oppy last evening and resumed it this morning. Absolutely highly recommended. It’s a NASA documentary of the Mars space rovers that spanned a decade and a half. Just incredible footage of Mars and what it took to get us there. Now that our son works at Johnson Space Center, we have developed a keen interest in these projects that are still ongoing.

I feel just ok today. Mike took the corn stalks and pumpkins and put them in woods behind the house for the deer and birds. There is a lot of corn on the stalks so hopefully that will feed some of the wildlife back there.

I did manage a few simple decorations outside in the way of a garden flag and a wreath on the front door. Tomorrow I’ll check the lights on a little tree I’ll put in the urn on the front porch.

I don’t really know how or if these blood clots are clearing up. I’m on enough blood thinner now that it should be starting to work.

I knew I’d be deteriorating slowly as I inch toward my treatments. Everything is kind of scary but I know I’m in good hands although there were a few questionable things that happened in the hospital.

I might go into more detail around that another time.

For now, I’m tired but trying to stay awake past 8pm. I take blood thinners again at seven, evening blood pressure meds at eight and Ativan to help me sleep. That doesn’t include tums for my occasional heartburn. I’m a real mess. Lol

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I didn’t have much to say today but now I do. It’s 1:39 in the morning and I woke up with. Kink in the right side of my back that has me writhing in pain. It feels like a really intense muscle spasm and it has me moving about ever so careful. I do know they said this eventually affects the lower back so now I have to wonder if that’s what’s going on. I left the hospital with a kink in my back from laying on it for two days. That could be but this almost made me hit the roof. I’m going to put a heating pad on it and just lay here to see if it will subside. I have quite a bit going on. We had another sad announcement in the family as my brother broke the news that his wife’s (sue is one of my best buds) mom passed away on Thanksgiving. They received this awful news as they were on the way to the family dinner. They didn’t say anything until today. Godspeed Clyda, we sure do love you and it was great knowing you!💔 peace is now yours

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Check out this video on YouTube:

if anyone ever watched Portlandia, this is the theme song and I fell in love with this song a few years ago so I thought I’d post it. Thanks for the reminder, Judit!❤️

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H

Today, I am home with my family to celebrate the holiday. I can’t wait to see our son and his girlfriend and their dog, Ricky. My grand dog. I will be surrounded by everyone in the family and also by the spirits of those that are no longer physically around that table. Our original host Gary, my mom and dad and my husbands dad Andy. Blessings still abound as we carve the roast beast and enjoy each other as only families can. I have always been so fortunate with brothers, sisters, in-laws, cousins and my favorite cousin Mark, who I reconnected with via text after my dad passed last week as well as my best friend since 7th grade Pam. Life separates us but the love is always there no matter. Hope everyone has a day filled with laughter above all. Thanks again, for sharing in my journey. I should give this journal a name.

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Today I am being discharged with new meds that will keep thinning out these clots and a plan of action in place. A woman from a church came in and offered communion and prayer and I did both. It was emotional for me as I silently thanked God for giving me this new day. I was filled with so much anxiety for so long and it was like the hand of God just wiped it all away and I was now filled with a sense of hope and purpose. A purpose to trust in the unseen and a reason to push through the fog. I am finding my clearing.

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So, by Tuesday morning I realized I hadn’t eaten anything since Monday at noon and that was just a half of a turkey sandwich and I was really hungry. Breakfast had already been served so I missed that. I asked the nurse assistant if he could find a bite for me to eat and he was able to get a couple of cold pancakes which was fine with me. I had to go for a Doppler on y legs and a sonogram of the heart. The Doppler revealed that there are still clots in the legs but the sonogram of the heart is good. They said the heparin drip will eventually dissolve the clots back into the body after everything is thinned out. By evening, I was dozing off and then an Angel walked into the room. It was Dr. Fenton and she told me she is taking over my care. She is a hematologist/oncologist and part of a highly regarded group. She laid before me a plan on how we are going to tackle all of the hurdles that lie ahead. I didn’t see this coming. You can’t imagine my elation after almost a month of what felt like inaction. I will have a port put in my neck area on December 1 and chemo will follow immediately after. She feels I am fit enough to withstand the maximum amount of chemotherapy to get the spread under control. That should put me in the 70% chance of a three year survival rate. That sure beats the six to nine month window I thought I had. I will lose my hair but I do t care, it’s only hair. I don’t know how sick it will make me but I’m confident there will be meds to control that as well. Let me also say the hospital food I did get as Tuesday rolled on was pretty darn good. I ordered a hot beef open face sandwich with a side of mashed potatoes and and for a late supper I had encrusted tilapia and rice pilaf. I was in a happy place for the first time in a month. The pic was taken in the early morning as the sun filled my room.

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I landed in the hospital Monday night. It is Tuesday morning. I have blood clots on both legs and and a substantial one in my lung. This is an underlying condition of cancer. I didn’t know that. Crazy thing is, I feel fine. No trouble breathing at all. I was very fortunate that I went for the CT scan Monday afternoon or this would have not been found. Apparently, what I thought was debilitating plantar fasciitis last week, turned out to be a blood clot that decided to take a road trip. I was settled into a room early Tuesday morning after spending Monday night in an unused triage room. It wasn’t horrible. I was hooked up to a heparin IV drip and a blood pressure cuff and a heart monitor. The room was big, quiet and dark and had a tv. I mostly listed to podcasts to keep my mind occupied. The mostly younger male nurses were great. I feel as if I don’t have to weep for the future after meeting Keegan and Ryan. They truly care about the well being of their patients. The picture I posted was actually taken from my room once I was settled in the next morning. It is overlooking Waterworks plaza and you can see route 28 in the background.

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I got a call from the doctor at Shadyside hospital early Monday evening and he said I need to get to ER immediately. Apparently, when one gets cancer, one is naturally predisposed to getting blood clots. I did not know that and now we know why I couldn’t walk last week. The blood clot formed on the inner bone of the left ankle. Not working with an oncologist to that point, my pcp associate just said people with cancer are prone to inflammation and gave me naproxen which is like Alleve to which I didn’t really take. When the pain diminished over time, it was because the clot traveled to the lung. It was the grace of God that got me here I do believe. The first night I spent in a triage room which was not all together unpleasant. It was cool, dark and had a tv and it was a big room. I called it the palace. The nurses as usual, are great. They don’t have time to dote over anyone nor is there time to. I am not a baby. The only downside was the woman across the way. Instead of just hitting her call button, she was one of those people who would just scream help, help, help. I think by morning they wanted to help her right out the door! I got into a private room by 8 am the next day. Rooms are at a premium for sure.

Day twenty seven (sorry, days are out of order)

I got settled in and not eaten in a day and a half at that point so my nurse brought me a couple of pancakes which was really nice of him. Lunch was great! Open faced beef sandwich with gravy and mashed potatoes. After lunch I got a Doppler done on both legs that revealed blood clots still in both in spite of a gallon of blood thinner going through me and still one in the lung. They will fix with zaralto and shots in the stomach. Doc said they will dissolve into the body. I trust the doctor.

Late in the day, the oncology doc came in to tell me this is stage four. I guess I knew that. Her group will be taking care of me moving forward and now there is a plan in place. Lots of chemo, hair loss and all that one could expect with this. I no longer will be going to the Pancreatic Disciplinary Group at Presby. Im relieved about that because it would have meant more days going by and tests to which these doctored have it all at their finger tips so now we can move forward. She said With this treatment, it will buy me a couple of years with the possibility remission. That would really be amazing if it came to fruition! I just needed to know I have more than a few months.

I think they are going to try to implant a port today, not sure quite yet. I’ll know more as the day unwinds.

So, that’s what’s up at this moment. Im pretty sure I’ll be home for Thanksgiving but again, not a hundred percent at this early hour. Had a good sleep last night. Just a kink in my back from sleeping on my back. Im a stomach, face buried in the pillow sleeper.

The picture today is the front of Waterworks stores. I can see cars coming down 28.

What a long, strange trip this has been. Im just happy Im getting answers to all of my fears.

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currently admitted to hospital for blood clot in lung. That’s how today is ending ☹️

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