The Stillroom

So the young man that bought my parent’s house ran into a relative and that person was telling him where the pool used to be and how the back deck ran along the wood line behind their house. It was always hotter than hell on that deck but my mom always was up for a family gathering even as we alll turned into almost senior citizens ourselves. Lol So that was a nice story he told the new owner. This picture was taken in Cape May as the sun set. We got a pizza and found a quiet spot away from Cape May itself and sat on a guard rail. This was pre pandemic.

Here is my latest update. My doctor said I am responding to the chemo better than most of her patients in that I am tolerating the treatment well. My bad numbers have shrunk significantly since November. While I know there is no cure for this cancer, it gives me hope none the less. A drop from 42,000 to 97 is pretty good and anything below 50 is considered cancer free. I did have to skip my chemo this past week due to low platelet count but she is adjusting what she can for continued treatment every two weeks as they don’t like to skip a week. As for anything else, our son is home for a visit but will be leaving soon. I can’t wait for him to move back this summer. We miss him so much. He misses his family and hometown and Texas is just not where he wants to be. All good things must come to an end but new beginnings are always on the horizon! We closed on our parents house yesterday and that came with mixed emotions. But, it is a new beginning for a young couple and we made sure they are moving into a fantastic home! We are happy for them and it is just what our parents would have wanted! It’s another cloud covered day but that’s ok with me. I cherish each day my feet hit the floor and I am beyond grateful for my friends that I miss so much. They are keeping steadily in touch with lovely notes and cards and that lifts me up more than words can say. So, that’s what’s up🙂

This was an attempt to take a pic of the moon last week. If I posted every emotion I feel every day, I would not stop writing. On my way for my chemo treatment 🥳

Nothing like some sunshine to lift us up! Sunny day girl right there!

Music interlude

Check out this video on YouTube:

https://youtu.be/9pBqF3x1NN0

And five minutes later, it was gone. I went out on my patio for the first time since I don’t know when. The birds were singing and it was the most beautiful sound I’ve heard in a long time. Thank you universe. It was a great moment for me. The air was cold but not too cold. It made me feel so good in that moment of aloneness. But the whole, wide world was around me at the same time. So not alone.

I have to get used to my hair falling out. After the head hair, I find my eyebrows thinning and while I still have some lashes left on my left eyelid, I now have four lonely lashes left on the right eye. The funny thing is, I’m still compelled to put mascara on those four pups. Old habits. I fill in my brow gaps a bit too with a dab of mascara. Even at my old age I’m finding it kind of hard to let go of my youth. But thank goodness I consider myself young at heart. You can’t see it, but if you meet me you will feel it.

Today is chemo day. It hasn’t been too bad. There was a three week interval between treatments because of platelets being low but I am back on track today. I have been feeling pretty good but Sunday brought on some stomach pain that had me concerned. I canceled my Monday treatment as a result but feel much better today. Every little pain concerns me. I suppose that is natural considering what I have going on. My friends encourage me to hang in there. They remind me I am here now. They tell me stories of people they know that have lived with pancreatic cancer much longer than doctors predicted. I’m hoping that will happen to me. With each day that passes, I think to myself, tic tock, tic tock. That is the hardest thing to live with. The not knowing how accurate the doctors estimate is. I am now losing my eyebrows and lashes. I was never a raving beauty when I was a younger woman. But, I always had pretty great hair and pretty eyes. Losing all of that bothered me at first. I have gotten used to the no hair on my head thing. There are so many things out of my control now. It’s all up to the universe. As sure as we are born, we die. I take some comfort in knowing what a truly great life I have had and still have. I feel for the little kids going through this journey and young people who still have so much to give to this world. I am old enough to accept my fate. It is a club with a lot of people in it. I can see that just by showing up in the oncology department every couple of weeks. We are tougher than we think.

This was taken last year at the beginning of April in Tarentum Park. Things are so different this year as I cherish every day I have.