The Stillroom

I actually took this pic early Sunday morning. It’s the typical “I can’t move because I have a cat on my lap” situation.

It’s Monday morning. I really have to push myself to not just sit in a chair and do nothing. I have stuff set out to take to the shop and I have some errands to run. I can’t tell if I’m woozy, tired or depressed or all of the above. I packed a “go” bag last night in case I felt I had to go to the hospital. If I do go again, it will be by ambulance because sitting in the ER is just too much. It is probably a physiological test of will. It is so easy to just sit back and absorb the reality of my situation and I know this is not a good thing. This is probably why my lower back hurts so much. I do understand why movement is so vital. Can you believe I’m still staring at this last little stupid paint project? I just keep looking at this unfinished cabinet in the kitchen. It’s probably a 30 minute task and for some reason, I can’t bring myself to do it. I will try and if I get it finished, you can bet I’ll post a picture. Our home was built in 1960 and is like a small apartment only it’s a small ranch. We have been here about seven years. This is our downsize house.

I put off getting the kitchen gutted because I didn’t want the chaos of living in the back room during construction. I’m ok with the original cabinets etc. so I decided to paint them with this new paint that just goes on so nice and dries fast. This house is an open floor plan and the seller painted the kitchen gray and I really don’t like it. A few years ago I painted the living room and nice sage green although my sister sees it as grayish. Maybe more like a greenish- clay is how I see it. Anyhow, the front of the house is basically all one space so I matched the new cabinet color pretty close to the living room. I can’t believe how great I felt last Monday compared to today. So I know this is a mental battle. The idea of blood clots in my legs and lungs was just not something I saw coming at all. As usual, I felt pretty good. No shortness of breath or anything. Just the debilitating pain in the inner ankle that turned out to be the culprit here.

Read Full Post »

One Sunday Morning https://g.co/kgs/j3d4V9

This Wilco song. Not really cheerful but it’s beautiful. This has nothing to do with Anthony heading back to Texas atm. Or the death of my dad. Or believing in God or not. I think the guitar just speaks to me. So, let it speak to you too!

Read Full Post »

Happiness is when my brother pays a surprise visit with a beautiful “wish fairy.” The little clay beauty was made by local artist Rebecca Andrew just for me. The work is so intricate and delicate and I love it! Becky is a well-known local artist and her works have been on display in various places through the years including her own studio. She has done photography and a slew of other mediums, all of which are beautiful. How do I hold on to just one wish when I have so many? Thank you, Ray and Sue. You really caught me by surprise today and that gesture brightened my otherwise dreary Sunday along with the awesome homemade garlic pickles! I have been a very, very fortunate girl. It makes me feel good to know all of the good vibes keep coming at me from all directions. This is a mentally grueling experience, not going to lie. I hope I can get out of the house tomorrow and to the shop.

Push. Push.Push. Push. Push. Push.

Read Full Post »

this is the extent of my holiday decorating so far. I found this lovely bowl at a thrift store a few years ago. It was made in Italy and hand painted. I just throw some little battery lights in it and put it on the mantle. It’s one of my favorite things.

I know today was small business Saturday but I just wasn’t feeling well enough to restock some merch.

My sis brought some soup over yesterday and it was a welcome meal for today…complete with noodles☺️

I took Tylenol today and iced my back a lot and it really did help. I can move around a good bit better.

I recorded Uncle Buck yesterday and watched it this afternoon. John Candy was so great. I think it might have been one of John Hughes’ first movies with Macaulay Culken before Home Alone. It was a good diversion plus I can blow through commercials.

We watched Goodnight Oppy last evening and resumed it this morning. Absolutely highly recommended. It’s a NASA documentary of the Mars space rovers that spanned a decade and a half. Just incredible footage of Mars and what it took to get us there. Now that our son works at Johnson Space Center, we have developed a keen interest in these projects that are still ongoing.

I feel just ok today. Mike took the corn stalks and pumpkins and put them in woods behind the house for the deer and birds. There is a lot of corn on the stalks so hopefully that will feed some of the wildlife back there.

I did manage a few simple decorations outside in the way of a garden flag and a wreath on the front door. Tomorrow I’ll check the lights on a little tree I’ll put in the urn on the front porch.

I don’t really know how or if these blood clots are clearing up. I’m on enough blood thinner now that it should be starting to work.

I knew I’d be deteriorating slowly as I inch toward my treatments. Everything is kind of scary but I know I’m in good hands although there were a few questionable things that happened in the hospital.

I might go into more detail around that another time.

For now, I’m tired but trying to stay awake past 8pm. I take blood thinners again at seven, evening blood pressure meds at eight and Ativan to help me sleep. That doesn’t include tums for my occasional heartburn. I’m a real mess. Lol

Read Full Post »

I didn’t have much to say today but now I do. It’s 1:39 in the morning and I woke up with. Kink in the right side of my back that has me writhing in pain. It feels like a really intense muscle spasm and it has me moving about ever so careful. I do know they said this eventually affects the lower back so now I have to wonder if that’s what’s going on. I left the hospital with a kink in my back from laying on it for two days. That could be but this almost made me hit the roof. I’m going to put a heating pad on it and just lay here to see if it will subside. I have quite a bit going on. We had another sad announcement in the family as my brother broke the news that his wife’s (sue is one of my best buds) mom passed away on Thanksgiving. They received this awful news as they were on the way to the family dinner. They didn’t say anything until today. Godspeed Clyda, we sure do love you and it was great knowing you!💔 peace is now yours

Read Full Post »

Check out this video on YouTube:

if anyone ever watched Portlandia, this is the theme song and I fell in love with this song a few years ago so I thought I’d post it. Thanks for the reminder, Judit!❤️

Read Full Post »

H

Today, I am home with my family to celebrate the holiday. I can’t wait to see our son and his girlfriend and their dog, Ricky. My grand dog. I will be surrounded by everyone in the family and also by the spirits of those that are no longer physically around that table. Our original host Gary, my mom and dad and my husbands dad Andy. Blessings still abound as we carve the roast beast and enjoy each other as only families can. I have always been so fortunate with brothers, sisters, in-laws, cousins and my favorite cousin Mark, who I reconnected with via text after my dad passed last week as well as my best friend since 7th grade Pam. Life separates us but the love is always there no matter. Hope everyone has a day filled with laughter above all. Thanks again, for sharing in my journey. I should give this journal a name.

Read Full Post »

Today I am being discharged with new meds that will keep thinning out these clots and a plan of action in place. A woman from a church came in and offered communion and prayer and I did both. It was emotional for me as I silently thanked God for giving me this new day. I was filled with so much anxiety for so long and it was like the hand of God just wiped it all away and I was now filled with a sense of hope and purpose. A purpose to trust in the unseen and a reason to push through the fog. I am finding my clearing.

Read Full Post »

So, by Tuesday morning I realized I hadn’t eaten anything since Monday at noon and that was just a half of a turkey sandwich and I was really hungry. Breakfast had already been served so I missed that. I asked the nurse assistant if he could find a bite for me to eat and he was able to get a couple of cold pancakes which was fine with me. I had to go for a Doppler on y legs and a sonogram of the heart. The Doppler revealed that there are still clots in the legs but the sonogram of the heart is good. They said the heparin drip will eventually dissolve the clots back into the body after everything is thinned out. By evening, I was dozing off and then an Angel walked into the room. It was Dr. Fenton and she told me she is taking over my care. She is a hematologist/oncologist and part of a highly regarded group. She laid before me a plan on how we are going to tackle all of the hurdles that lie ahead. I didn’t see this coming. You can’t imagine my elation after almost a month of what felt like inaction. I will have a port put in my neck area on December 1 and chemo will follow immediately after. She feels I am fit enough to withstand the maximum amount of chemotherapy to get the spread under control. That should put me in the 70% chance of a three year survival rate. That sure beats the six to nine month window I thought I had. I will lose my hair but I do t care, it’s only hair. I don’t know how sick it will make me but I’m confident there will be meds to control that as well. Let me also say the hospital food I did get as Tuesday rolled on was pretty darn good. I ordered a hot beef open face sandwich with a side of mashed potatoes and and for a late supper I had encrusted tilapia and rice pilaf. I was in a happy place for the first time in a month. The pic was taken in the early morning as the sun filled my room.

Read Full Post »

I landed in the hospital Monday night. It is Tuesday morning. I have blood clots on both legs and and a substantial one in my lung. This is an underlying condition of cancer. I didn’t know that. Crazy thing is, I feel fine. No trouble breathing at all. I was very fortunate that I went for the CT scan Monday afternoon or this would have not been found. Apparently, what I thought was debilitating plantar fasciitis last week, turned out to be a blood clot that decided to take a road trip. I was settled into a room early Tuesday morning after spending Monday night in an unused triage room. It wasn’t horrible. I was hooked up to a heparin IV drip and a blood pressure cuff and a heart monitor. The room was big, quiet and dark and had a tv. I mostly listed to podcasts to keep my mind occupied. The mostly younger male nurses were great. I feel as if I don’t have to weep for the future after meeting Keegan and Ryan. They truly care about the well being of their patients. The picture I posted was actually taken from my room once I was settled in the next morning. It is overlooking Waterworks plaza and you can see route 28 in the background.

Read Full Post »