The Stillroom

When I asked my doctor to give me all the drugs on my death bed, he said ” it’s all ice cream and morphine. ” He also said to call him John. O.k.

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youtube.com/watch

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It has been a bit. July was a tough month but I am now established with a new doctor. He is a part of my original team and five minutes from the house as opposed to thirty. Chemo is still not on track but hoping for a change come next Tuesday. Fingers crossed. There are more good days than bad. Weekly shots give me body aches and make me tired but energy level is good in the mornings. The bouts of sadness torment my brain. This is a pic of the bee garden. From the flowers to the fountain. Makin’ honey.

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Check out this video on YouTube:

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I’m tense and nervous and I can’t relax. – Talking Heads

That about sums up my appointment yesterday. New doctor was all over the board with treatment options then would ask me if that sounded ok. It was almost like a Seinfeld episode. Let’s say plan B is now in effect.

I just know that I am trying hard to keep my emotions on dying in check. I’m enjoying the sunshine and my patio in all of its summer glory. Herb garden flourishes, tomatoes growing, sunflowers trying, birds singing, ac running, flag waving, solar fountain at the ready for the birds, everything I could need. Bamboo chimes take me back to Cape May Point and all of the summers spent there. The metal chimes near the back forty gently chiming in the breeze make a perfect July afternoon.

Yesterday’s emotional roller coaster is gone. There are changes from the CT scan from a few weeks ago. Let’s just say this isn’t going away nor is it taking over yet. Everyone says I look good but if they could see my brain trying to keep positive, they would think otherwise. I am bald and lost 25 pounds so I guess I do look good for a 68 year old woman. I think I wear the bald pretty well. The secret is awesome earrings.

I’m hoping with continued treatment, I can push this to 18 months which is the max time allowed. If not, I suppose my demise could be around Halloween, which would be kind of ghoul, I mean cool.

Last words-

I read that Steve Jobs last words were “oh wow”

Belzer’s were apparently “so long m-effers”

I don’t know what mine would be. Maybe “Bring on the Dancing Horses”

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Platelet shots look like they’re starting to do their job. How do I get through seven hours of chemo? Lots of patience. Tears really burn my eyes but I don’t let them fall. I’m home in my bed, wiped out and nauseous but I took a pill for that. Here is a pic from the other day. Bunch o birds on a wire. Here’s a funny little story. When the game Trivial Pursuit came out, I didn’t want to play with the Kovacs’ clan but I did anyhow. The first question posed to me was ” what do you call a row of crows?” uhhh, are you kidding me? I think all I said was “later, dudes”. The answer, which I’ll never forget, is a murder. So I learned something and that is the upswing. At the time if they asked me something like what herb is dried and used for flea collars, I could have had the answer. Oh well.

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Tomorrow is my next CT scan and chemo Wednesday. Feeling nervous about this one. I am more tired than usual with some abdominal discomfort that is persisting. Trying to be upbeat. These are gladiolas from my yard. They are beautiful!

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I am grateful that my feet hit the floor today. For the sun, for Hillman Cancer Center, for a great doc, for my kind nurse, for my family that checks in on me and for old friends a new friends. For the fight in me that sometimes gets so lost and then comes and finds me once again. Grateful for a husband who’s unwavering love is as endless as the universe itself.

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