The Stillroom

Present Day-

What do we do when tragedy knocks on our door? I find there is not much action that be taken other than to get through the day hour by hour. Blindly, numb, half aware, fully aware, scared, brave, sad with dotted moments of happy while feeling the burden of a heavy, broken heart.

Tragedy visited my sister this week. Monday she was as happy as can be while showing me her latest project of painting her laundry room and adding a new washer and dryer and some pretty awesome decorating finds.

A few years ago she and my brother-in-law Gary enclosed a side porch that they never really used. The new space was built- in with windows all around to house a great first floor space right off of the kitchen for laundry, a freezer and a space to store things one uses just for holidays. Cookie sheets, trays, dutch ovens. You get the idea. The decorating discovery (she’s a retired real estate agent with a great eye) was this cool window cling that looks like window blinds. It was installed on the windows to hide the backs of the appliances from the driveway / walkway. Pretty neat stuff. Well, that was Monday. Fast forward to Tuesday evening when they ended up at the hospital.

My precious brother-in -law (and I really mean that, he is an awesome guy) was not feeling well for a few days. Just not himself and this was very unusual for him. Of course they immediately thought he had “the virus”. Tracing his steps over the past few weeks proved to be fairly simple as he was limiting his movements in public and being careful like most of us.

After a week of just not feeling right, he suddenly had labored breathing and he went to the hospital. Us, being sure he somehow contracted COVID, well, we could not have been more wrong as the tests results proved to be anything but that. He was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer that has spread to pretty much all of his vital organs.

We don’t realize how COVID affects anyone going to a hospital until you witness it. He could’t be admitted to the ICU (which was where he needed to be upon admission) until he had the COVID test and the results, which took two days. In the meantime, he is basically drowning with fluid in his lungs. I guess they can’t do much of anything to anyone until this COVID test is done with each admission because it is so contagious. (Too bad he’s not a professional athlete because I’m sure he would have had his test results Johnny-on-the-spot). After sitting in a chair trying to sleep for almost 48 hours, (he can’t lay down because the fluid blocks his breathing) his test came back negative so at this point we are just waiting for a room to open in ICU and to see how the doctors plan to move forward.

This year he was supposed to walk their daughter and only child down the isle for a grand wedding. Our family is very large and consists of about 30 people and we are all close. It was to be a family gathering that we all were looking forward to. Her grandparents who are in their 90’s and in reasonably good health would be there, in addition to the aunts, uncles, cousins, college friends and beyond. Now, she can’t even visit him. Only one designated person and that’s my sister. It is heart wrenching.

O.K. They handled that bummer news back in March as best as one can after being dealt that hand. (She was to be married May 1st). A year’s worth of planning canceled and reschedule for July of 2021 which will be my mom’s 92nd birthday if the universe sees fit.

Rewind to last year.

Last year I took my dad to the eye doctor and while he was waiting to be seen, told me a story about a death experience he had a few months before. He was coming up from the basement when he was suddenly out of breath and he laid down on the living room floor and passed out. (My mom was in the back of the house doing laundry). He said he died. He was pulled into a beautiful blue light. A blue so beautiful that he was taken by it and felt an overwhelming sense of peace. Everything felt right. He wasn’t sure how long he was out but he said he really died and passed over into another realm that was welcoming. He suddenly took a huge breath and woke up. He remembers everything in that moment of unconsciousness and told me in no uncertain terms to not be afraid to die. But that was sudden. What do you do when you actually know death will be visiting you well in advance?

We bumble along through our new reality. A new reality of trying to stay safe while trying to do normal things that really are no longer normal.

Tragedy strikes us all. Life can be cruel. My mom can’t understand how she and my dad are still chugging along in their 90’s and Gary is a young, active 73 year old who was just starting to enjoy retirement. He loves to hunt and golf and managed to keep a trim waistline and grew a wicked garden every summer.

He shared his deer steaks, deer pepperoni, deer jerky, great tomatoes, lettuce, kohlrabi and cucumbers from his everyday hobbies and the kindness of his heart. He is a quiet and unassuming guy.

Now, we are just waiting. My sister and niece are devastated. This is the veritable punch in the gut that none of us will escape. As sure as we are born we also know we will check out. It is a matter of how and when. Some people have the “luxury” of dropping dead while others have the unfortunate knowledge of about when they can expect their demise. I guess the “about when” at least gives one a fighting chance for treatment options if they are “lucky” (I use that term loosely).

So, this is the week in the life of my family. It’s painful to witness the grief, the sadness and the heavy burden of knowing it’s going to be tough over the next months.

We will watch over Gary in spirit because we cannot see him. We will try to remain hopeful knowing it’s in the hands of fate.

Our hearts are heavy. The heavy heart club. It’s not a club anyone wants to be in but we all end up with a membership.

Life sucks and so does death so we need to find those moments of joy and run like the wind when they happen to us.