The Stillroom

I’m numb. I’m scared. I want to be hopeful. One day at a time, I know.

I went to the shop very early Sunday morning thinking I would keep busy by decorating The Stillroom corner. I took down the few remaining Halloween things that were left and decided to hang what I thought was a sheer curtain lined with fairy lights. I had a clear vision of how I wanted this doorway to the shop to look. Ethereal and magical and soft and inviting. When I opened the box of lights, it wasn’t a sheer curtain as shown on the box, but a strand of very long icicle lights. Bummer. I untied each strand thinking I’d try them anyhow. They ended up a tangled mess, just like my nerves. I shoved them back in the box. Now I’m just angry AND sad. The vision, that was planted in my brain, still remains. (Sounds of Silence). It would have been so pretty. But I think now, on this early Monday morning, I’m giving up on that vision. I put the holiday teas on the shelf and that will have to just be enough. I have lost my sparkling mojo at this moment. It will come back. I guess it’s better to feel the feelz than to be numb. I did crank out almost 45 cat toys so there’s that.

Yesterday, I started to clean out my closets of “fat clothes” and “not as fat clothes”. I’m losing weight rapidly. I donated a lot of clothes to the Planet Aid boxes. I cleaned out a lot of knick-knacks from my curio. They were my junk, not Mike’s. I also realized I am definitely one of those “pillow people”. You see the Instagram videos of the guy that wants to just go to bed and he’s tossing like fifty throw pillows on the floor to get to the mattress? That was me except mine were on chairs and couches and were seasonal. They gone. Streamlining.

Chamomile tea has been my best friend. When I thought I had a stomach ulcer, I quit coffee and Coke Zero and have been consuming copious amounts of herbal tea and water. If I had done that most of my adult life, perhaps I wouldn’t be in my current predicament?

My car is loaded up once again with bags of pillows and blankets and coats and gloves and anything I could get my hands on to get rid of. I want to erase myself from this house before Mike returns. He doesn’t need to witness this shit. He will be witnessing my decline and that’s enough. I have been with this guy for 44 years! Always fun, funny, strong mentally, smart, honest, just the best person.

I’m calling my doc today to see if she can help get my CT scan sooner than next Sunday but I doubt that can happen. I guess with this diagnosis, it doesn’t really matter.

Well, those are the many things going through my head at six AM.

You know what makes me kind of happy? Walmart’s English Toasting bread with a touch of butter and a light sprinkle of truffle salt. Yum. I’m going to have a slice right now and enjoy another cup of Chamomile.

Small joys.