The Stillroom

Of course, I had crazy dreams about being late for my CT scan. I dreamed I ate oyster crackers then remembered I was supposed to fast. I got lost, I went up a steep hill in my car and the undercarriage was caught at the crest so I got out and picked the back end of the car up and put it on the road at the top. There were dead ends, locked doors, a wild dog that ran past me when I managed to open a locked door then I was on a road of ice. Sheesh. What does all of that even mean? I will be leaving the house in about an hour and even though this test is the beginning of what I feel is going to be a very rough road, I am dreading it. Even though it’s painless, I’m nervous. I’m trying to be brave and I know I will be brave but that doesn’t change how I feel. I’m glad I’m doing this by myself. I need to prove to me that I know how to move forward and handle what life is throwing at me right now. In a few days, Mike will be by my side and somehow that is going to make this all the more real. I feel like I’m living in some kind of denial because I feel mostly pretty good. I’m taking in every moment and every step with a weird sense of calm. I think once we start to get more answers everything will change. Once testing and treatment begins, that’s when I will start to feel shitty. Well, it’s 5am and I have to hit the shower in a few minutes so I will wrap up here. I will follow up later and write about how great the people at the hospital are because I know they are there to provide comfort. I will need that.

The worse part of the CT scan was waiting an hour and fifteen minutes because the tv was on and as you are all well aware, nothing but political commercials. I can’t wait for this election to be over. The CT scan had confirmed in more detail what the ultrasound suggested. My doc will review with me Monday or Tuesday. The scan itself is pretty easy. I got there at 6:30. I was given a thing in my arm and told to drink two bottles of water in an hour so most of the time sitting is drinking water. I downed one bottle from 7:15 to 7:45 and started the second one when the tech came on got me and said we were good to go. The scan itself was about ten minutes. He was so sweet telling me maybe they got it early or maybe it’s benign, not to panic. He was very kind. When I was changing back into my shirt (you leave clothes on except I had a long sleeve top on and so I had to wear a gown so they could put the needle in my arm to administer the dye). When he took the needle out he put a bandage on it and I proceeded to my dressing room. When I looked at my arm it was covered in blood. Like dripping enough to cover my forearm. I didn’t even feel it. I saw a woman getting someone else a gown and I said “I have a situation here” to which she said “oh my” and proceeded to get another person that cleaned my arm up and bandaged my arm to stop the bleeding from when they took the port out. I guess it’s a port. I don’t know what else to call it. I gathered my belongings and walked back out into the early Sunday morning. It was warm and quiet and peaceful. It was a nice moment as the place is pretty quiet at that time of day. Mission accomplished. I did step two. I stopped at Sams and filled my gas tank and bought croissants at Walmart because I wanted a turkey sandwich for my meal today. I painted another cupboard in the kitchen and then met my family at my dads house so he could see the final improvements made so we can put the house on the market. He was happy. I then spent most of the afternoon sleeping because I was so tired from the night before. Now to wait for Monday and find out just how bad this is and move through another day of locked doors, dead ends and fog and question marks.