The Stillroom

This is a picture from a couple of years ago. The tree was at the beginning of the woods in our backyard. It was eventually cut down.

I’m feeling sorry for myself this early Monday morning. It’s wrong. I know. I had a not great Sunday emotionally and was very much alone in my own head. Not a fun place to be. I don’t think I spoke a hundred words all day.

I dread going to chemo today. It’s such a long day. I know I’ll get by just fine because I have to. This is a part of the journey. Good days are great, what constitutes a bad day seems silly when it comes down to it.

I am going to try and be more grateful for the life I have now. Even though it’s not the one I want. I feel like pulling away and I don’t even know what that means.

I have to remember that Mike is on the other side of this and it can’t be easy for him either. I imagine a wife that doesn’t say much at times might be a blessing. Lol

Just venting. I am sure the day will get better. I just have to find the good. I know it’s there somewhere.

I have to get ready to go. Yes, feelings are a tough customer.

Here is the good news update

Everyone in my pod is pleasant.

Not that this is good news but we are all in treatment. There are four of us and one guy has what I have, one lady has colon cancer and a young man has testicular. We are sharing our journeys so it’s almost like a therapy session. We are all here for five hours so they will spring us around four. It will still be light out. My cancer numbers dropped from a hundred thousand to ten thousand so that means the treatment is working. I don’t know exactly what the numbers are but they are trending in the right direction. So that has lifted my spirits. The doctor has adjusted a little bit of my chemo again and upped the steroid number to try and avoid the tingling sensation and slurred speech so I’m hoping that will work out ok.

I’m feeling grateful now and not so sad and depressed as I was earlier. I think the thought of having to be here just got to me in the wee hours of the morning.

We all agree it’s a real mental game staying upbeat all of the time. My doc is putting me in touch with the palliative care provider here. I don’t need it yet but I will at some point. I thank my new friend through email Trish for giving me that sage advice. I will be established at some point so that is good.

I guess that’s it for now. Three more hours to go.