The Stillroom

Today I am feeling extremely anxious. I think the days before my chemo affect me quite a bit. I have to learn to live in the moment and some days it is a struggle. Ever since I passed out, my anxiety level has been more intense than usual. My doctor took me off of one of my blood pressure meds and it seems like my numbers are normal again. The thirty pound weight loss clearly affected those numbers and was lowering my bp to the point where I was almost always light headed. I faced my fears of passing out by going in Whole Foods on a busy Saturday afternoon and was not comfortable at all but I did it. Then I got a hot drink on the way home and the lid wasn’t on right (my bad) and I managed to spill hot chocolate on my coat, quilted vest, top, bra and jeans and realized Mike has no tissues, napkins or paper towels in his car. That sent me over the edge. This is what I need to work on. I was so high strung and upset. Plus I was late in taking my bp meds. Once we got home I started to try and change my mental state and be grateful I had a washing machine, grateful I had a coat, grateful to the universe for helping me pull my shit together. Some days it just is really hard. My email friend Trish let me know about a zoom meeting this week with other pancreatic cancer patients so I hope to join in on that. Therapy other than meds should be helpful in helping me cope on these more difficult days that come out of nowhere. I told the palliative doctor how my sleep cycle is so messed up and I would take an occasional Ativan to help with that but after a couple of night with a very small dose it just doesn’t work. He advised against that as it can be an addictive substance. I use any med sparingly, even Tylenol so I think joining in on this zoom call and seeing a therapist will help me. It is interesting how three doctors will have different opinions on different meds. The pcp lets me have the Ativan to take as needed, the cancer doc said no Tylenol take OxyContin which I did once for back pain and it was an awful experience and the palliative care doc said no Ativan. I guess behavior therapy would be best. I’m venting today. I am starting to settle down now that I’m home. My coat is washing, my dinner is almost ready. I realized I haven’t eaten since Eight this morning and it’s now almost five. I’m trying to be more grateful. I have so many good things in my life. I just have moments of shear frustration, fear, sadness, you name it. Perhaps being more aware of my actions and reactions will help. It ain’t easy.