The Stillroom

Today is chemo day. It hasn’t been too bad. There was a three week interval between treatments because of platelets being low but I am back on track today. I have been feeling pretty good but Sunday brought on some stomach pain that had me concerned. I canceled my Monday treatment as a result but feel much better today. Every little pain concerns me. I suppose that is natural considering what I have going on. My friends encourage me to hang in there. They remind me I am here now. They tell me stories of people they know that have lived with pancreatic cancer much longer than doctors predicted. I’m hoping that will happen to me. With each day that passes, I think to myself, tic tock, tic tock. That is the hardest thing to live with. The not knowing how accurate the doctors estimate is. I am now losing my eyebrows and lashes. I was never a raving beauty when I was a younger woman. But, I always had pretty great hair and pretty eyes. Losing all of that bothered me at first. I have gotten used to the no hair on my head thing. There are so many things out of my control now. It’s all up to the universe. As sure as we are born, we die. I take some comfort in knowing what a truly great life I have had and still have. I feel for the little kids going through this journey and young people who still have so much to give to this world. I am old enough to accept my fate. It is a club with a lot of people in it. I can see that just by showing up in the oncology department every couple of weeks. We are tougher than we think.