The Stillroom

This is a pic of the farm. So many shades of green!

Lasts.

Is this my last spring? Is this the last time I will see pink blossoms on the tree outside of my kitchen window? My last Mother’s Day? The last day I will feel good? When one knows that one is going to die within a certain time frame, things just get weird. I think people around me feel awkward because what do you say to someone who is terminal other than how are you feeling?

The answer to that has always been “if I didn’t know I had this, I wouldn’t know I had this.”

Ugh!

Firsts.

The past few weeks have brought on some mild pain that is not going away and that has disturbed me a little. It’s not making any sense because the CT scan from a week ago showed that the tumors are still shrinking a little bit. While this makes me feel good, there are other numbers that are increasing and that’s not what I want. Not by a lot but enough that makes me nervous to a degree. Another first is taking a pain pill cut in half that seems to be taking the edge off of this mild discomfort. It doesn’t make me groggy and that’s good. I tell people I feel good because that’s what they want to hear. Why bore anyone with how it really feels to know my time is nigh. Lol I told Mike I’m going to start using words that are old timey. I think nigh is one of them I can get quite a bit of use out of.

Wigs

I think there are some people that really want me to wear a wig. I bought one in February and it been in my closet since. So last week I took it to my stylist and had her trim it up. Lady wigs are like toupee’s in that they really are noticeable in most cases. It looks ok but it’s just not me. I have been wearing colorful head coverings that I love. I think being bald or knowing that under the covering there is no hair makes some people uncomfortable. It kind of screams one has cancer or alopecia. (Not sure how to spell that) So I think to myself, is it my responsibility to make others feel more comfortable by wearing a wig? I think I’m venting and veering off into other areas of my frustration. Like when one is going to a pot luck and told not to bring anything. What’s up with that?

That’s what’s up today.

I have so much I want to write but I think I’ll go finish the fruit kabobs for brunch. Fruit is so dicey. You just don’t know how it’s going to be when you dice it. The berries got mushy so those are compost and the cantaloupe could have been more ripe, the cotton candy grapes, however, are a winner.