The Stillroom

the youngbloods darkness, darkness lyrics https://g.co/kgs/eA3fRw

This song is very dark and it must have popped into my head in this early hour for a reason.

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this is a picture of our fireplace. When we downsized and saw this little house, this was the first thing I saw when we walked through the door. I always wanted a fireplace and as usual, Mike made my dream come true.❤️ My holiday decorations are few. I guess when one gets older and there are no grandkids, trees become more of a hassle. Plus throw in one naughty cat and chaos ensues. I don’t need that. Tonight is my last night before my chemo so I’m relaxing and enjoying the time I have before the unpredictable begins. I pray I can tolerate what’s coming at me this week. I’ve been waiting for the treatments to begin for so long and now that the time is near, not going to lie, the utter fear is palpable. But, I will move forward as I have since this started. I know fear and anticipation is always so misplaced, but it is still there.

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my dad made this little fireplace many years ago. The little flicker bulb still lights. My long winded posts are not coming up for some reason so I’m trying again. I fell asleep early and already had a dream that I was late for my chemo appointment.

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I want to come back as a lazy cat

I had written a pretty good wrap up of my day today and for some reason it wouldn’t publish. I’m tired and going to bed now. I will wrap it Saturday.

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The port placement was not bad. Just like most things in life, the anticipation is usually not the reality. I arrived with my sister a bit early (we are sticklers for being prompt if not early) and I was taken immediately to space ten for prep. The usual blood draw for labs and IV placement for the antibiotic and sedation for the procedure is done. Since we were early, that meant a bit of a wait, maybe an hour then I was wheeled through the halls of St. Margaret’s once again. I actually have gotten used to transport. People smile or give a little wave or just keep doing what they do. I get to know the lay of the hospital land. I had to wait a bit longer because they were waiting on labs which was fine. David, the older gent remembered me and preps my back and chest with the sticky leads for monitors. He’s kind of funny. He tells me if I need a blanket he will get one out of the fridge. Lol It is indeed a fridge but it stores heated blankets. I found out he is a diabetic and has issues and has to wear a special boot. This conversation came about when they wheeled a very talkative old fellow next to me. He must have just come from some procedure. That guy had no feet due to diabetes and he was so pleasant! I could take a lesson from him. He was so upbeat and seemed to know almost all of the workers that came down the hallway from the janitor to the aids. When I finally went in for the procedure, Dr. Weiss remembered me because he did my liver biopsy. He explained everything they were going to do. They numbed the area near the collar bone to which I felt nothing. Sedation was given and I was relaxed and awake. It took maybe a half hour and the hardest part was keeping my head turned to the left the whole time. I could feel Dr. Weiss manipulating the port into place. It was a lot of movement and pressure but no pain at all. I was bandaged with a smaller bandage than I thought I would have. There are stitches under the skin that will dissolve. I was wheeled back to my spot downstairs and lo and behold my husband Mike (who was at a follow up Dr appointment with our PCP, came out of the side hallway. A few more feet and we would have collided. He and Patty were called back to my spot and we chatted a few minutes. They went back out to wait and the nurse (who also remembered me) took my IV out and did the release paperwork and I was on my way home. No wheelchair needed. The nurse said Tylenol was ok to take for mild discomfort. So I took one when I got home THEN I read my release paper that said to wait four hours before any Tylenol was taken so I unknowingly broke that rule. That was in case of a drug interaction. I was just really tired and fell asleep in the living room for a few hours. The night was not great though. Mainly because I couldn’t maintain my normal sleeping position and that left me really tired yesterday. That’s the reason for the Wilco interlude. I will say I was just so drained of any energy or joy yesterday. I was having a difficult time mustering up anything but I did manage to run the dishwasher. I just sat in my chair and watched tv and looked out of the window as the sun peaked in and out of yet another gray sky. By the day’s end, I did get the trash out and have my recycling loaded into my car so I’ll be ready to do that today. I called my mum in law and asked her if she could us some beef barley soup to which she immediately jumped on it. It made her happy to do it because she wanted to do something but didn’t know what to do. Today we will eat well! We got a really beautiful and unexpected gift from Mike’s best buddy Dave and his lovely wife Elaine. Fresh pears and apples and an array of little bites of cookies and sweets. My best friend Pam (since seventh grade) texted me because I didn’t want to talk when she phoned me on Sunday because I just have a hard time talking without becoming weepy at times and I was in a mood that day. She is all forgiving. But, the texts are deep and meaningful conversations that we may not have otherwise had if we were on the phone. There is real kindness and love surrounding me and Mike that is so deeply felt I can’t put it into words. From cards and notes of encouragement from the most unexpected of acquaintances! I know we are in everyone’s prayers and it is a comfort. I am grateful. We both are so very much. Now on to chemo. That will be a day long adventure so I will write about that. It’s what I have been waiting for all of these days and dreading at the same time. Thank you for sharing in my journey.❤️

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Check out this video on YouTube:

Today is musical intermission. Enjoy some Wilco.

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this is a close up of fresh pomegranate seeds. So colorful and tasty too!

Today I go to get my port put in. I will update later on what the procedure is like.

In the meantime, I closed out my business account and although bittersweet, that was good. Almost twenty years came to a close with one signature and a paper shredder for my debit card. I’m keeping up with tasks around the house. I find I have a lot of energy in the mornings and then it just kind of fades away in the early afternoon.

Everyday brings me one step closer to something. I still just don’t know what that is. It will not be healing, this I know for sure. I guess it buying me some time.

I’ll write more later after my appointment.

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This is my little tree on the front stoop. Had a restless night. Too much on my mind. Starting to feel more abdominal pain. Maybe nerves. Maybe spread. I had a not great day yesterday. I think I’m depressed, scared, anxious and whatever else you want to throw in there. I’m no picnic to be around. I have nothing to really talk about. I’m not looking forward to Christmas. I guess I have to dig really deep to find the positives in this situation. Ok . Got to wake up. Got a proactive doctor that is caring for me now. Hospital folks that care for patients are angels, still able to function as a human, able to drive, paring shop down, great husband, great family and friends, still managing some upkeep around the house, trying to start my new day with a better attitude. That’s it for now. It’s going to start to get more interesting in the coming weeks. Grateful for what I have, now.❤️

Trying harder.

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Not feeling great today. Catch up tomorrow ❤️

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Check out this video on YouTube:

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