The Stillroom

www.nasa.gov/specials/artemis-i/

I want to blast off to the moon like Artemis!

I’m getting some of my affairs in order along with several confirmed doctor appointments that will confirm this mess and figure out how to treat (or not).

For anyone that doesn’t want to flip back to Day one, I was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer that has spread to my liver. I actually feel fine which is the strangest part of all of this journey. I thought perhaps I had a stomach ulcer but tests have revealed a very unexpected situation.

I would be lying if I said I’m not scared. I’m not scared all of the time though. So, I’m trying to keep busy although my swollen ankle from plantar fasciitis is almost debilitating. The trick is to try and keep moving along with some stretching exercises.

I’m sure I’ll have more

To write about later in the day as I’m off to a slow start. I didn’t want to hit the shower until I got one more phone call for a final appointment. This last appointment will be the culmination of a liver CT scan, bloodwork, liver biopsy tomorrow, chest CT scan next week then an endoscopic procedure to biopsy the pancreas. I guess they go through the stomach for that. So, that’s what one looks forward to when one gets this diagnosis. It’s a lot. But, this is the hand I have been dealt and now I’m going to play my hand. I don’t think prayers really help. I prayed for a miracle many years ago and it just didn’t happen. I know once I’m in a hospital setting, I will be well taken care of and that is all I gots.

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Touch of Grey
Touch of Grey https://g.co/kgs/ezsfbQ

Yes. I have always enjoyed Grateful Dead. This came on my radio this morning and I do have the LP, Touch of Grey. Jerry always played a very pleasant guitar😊

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What beautiful words!

I am waiting on my clearing.

I slept a little bit. I chose to not take Ativan when I awoke at one- ish. I listened to three podcasts and around four tuned into one called ‘Get Sleepy’. It was a very relaxing story about Autumn and falling leaves and chai lattes and snug blankets and good books and baking pumpkin cookies and cabins in the woods. I didn’t get sleepy but it was a nice visit to a less troubled time. I don’t know what today will bring as it isn’t even six yet. I was thinking about what’s next for the shop and who is the next friend I can turn catnip pillow production to. It will be Denise because she sews and loves kitties. I’ll text her today. My dad is in failing health and is not long for this world so I have to get to see him today. There is a lot raining down on my family these days. We had a very good run through the years but all good things must come to an end. Eh? I am hopeful for something. I just don’t know what. All I need is a clearing and for better angels to be around for Mike and Anthony. I think my cat will be ok. I worry about stupid stuff like will Mike know how to stock a pantry with things like coffee filters and keep ahead of cat litter and paper towels and will he still order fromWho Gives a Crap bamboo paper goods company? My one foot is feeling better but the other is awful. I’m getting some physical therapy instructions today so I hope it will help. All I can say is I really got hit with a curve ball.

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Things I will miss. The fireplace on cold mornings and my cat deciding to sit on my lap to keep me warm.

The only things that are bothering me are my feet and calves. I don’t know if it was from my painting project (which wasn’t really difficult) that had me sitting in the floor which was easy but maybe the twisting around to get up aggravated something. This is all new. I hesitantly rubbed Voltarin on my ankles and took a couple of Advil Sunday morning and it helped diminish the ache to the point where I managed about 4,000 in-house steps. I’m not using anything today. Perhaps some chair yoga and maybe a quick trip to the shop. I feel like I could use a cane but I won’t. Could this be ravaging me in ways I don’t even know? As the days of going untreated pass, I imagine what or how fast this is progressing. I’m grateful for feeling as good as I do. I can’t help but think about when this good feeling will stop and how will a doctor be able to help me and how fast. Right now, is it at a snails pace for sure. I guess no news is good news as I take each day as it comes at me. Trying to be normal. 🙄

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I took this picture when I was recycling at Harrison Hills Park last year. A couple of young people were taking pictures. I asked if I could take a pic and they obliged. I hope I come back as a ghost but not one that scares people. The closer my biopsy gets, the more nerve wracking it gets. I’m keeping busy as usual. I recovered a couple of side chairs in the kitchen. I feel like when I get my final diagnosis, I will pass out. That is when the true reality of my situation will kick in and I imagine many decisions will have to be made. It’s like Im living in someone else’s body. I just need for everyone around me to be ok and for myself to be drugged to the max when I transition. Like Steve Jobs last words. “Oh wow, oh wow.” I think of people who I loved and lost this year. Mostly famous people like Norm MacDonald, Chadwick Bosman, Leslie Allen Jordan, my mom of course, Gilbert Godfried, Louie Anderson and Gallagher. Mostly comedians as you can see. So I too, will be joining that unlucky club.

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Thoughts on a Grey Day
Thoughts on a Grey Day https://g.co/kgs/D1vyn5

This is the very last cut on the Fleetwood Mac Album, Bare Trees. Of all the songs on that LP, this poem is my favorite thing on it. I’m struggling today. I’m not going to sugar coat it. My nerves are shot today.

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So, anyhow, I decided to clean this screen in my dishwasher. I should have paid more attention when I took it apart🥴I should have taken pictures while I dismantled it. I’ll see if I can find something on YouTube. Guess I should have stuck with painting😉

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Whoop, here it is!

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This is the cartoon that my brother sent to me. That’s so funny! Feeling good today. I’m a little tired but that’s ok. I think it’s because it’s gloomy today. My plantar fasciitis has decided to make an appearance after about ten years so I’m icing it and trying to not over work myself. I still have one tiny paint project to finish but it’s in a hard to reach place so we are having a stare down. Lol I started some laundry and got a delivery from the grocery store for the first time since the foot is bugging me and it’s raining out. The young man that delivered was so sweet. It was a nice interaction with a stranger. I got my ten pounds of russet potatoes for the Thanksgiving dinner but the store was out of butter! No way! I’m sure it is temporary. If not, there’s always a plan B? I’ll go to Amish country if I have to. You know what Barefoot Contessa says, “everything’s better with butter.” There is no substitute for a mashed potahto. Hanging in there with hope and love and peace and all that jazz. Speaking of jazz, one of my favorite artists is Marion McPartland. We saw her a hundred years ago at the Jazz Quarry when we lived in Portland. I put her on my Sonos first thing every morning and that smooth sound just keeps me grounded and helps me get my thoughts in order as I move through my day. She passed several years ago and public radio always played her on Saturday afternoons. I have a keyboard that I bought myself last year thinking I could perhaps learn to play a little bit it’s mostly collecting dust. I need to put in some effort there. In the meantime, I’m thankful for another day of anything I can grab! ❤️

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Check out this video on YouTube:

I always liked the band Squeeze and this song in particular.

Goodbye Girl👋

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