The Stillroom

there was a hiccup in my treatment this week.

My platelets are not bouncing back so I had to skip another week of chemo so I haven’t had a treatment in almost a month. I have to be ok with this.

I’m on my way for a CT scan in a few minutes so keep me in your thoughts.

The turtle oracle card reminds me to just take it slow no matter the obstacles that are in my way.

It is like a soldier going to battle in a way. Im fighting for my very life which I know I’m going to lose at some point.

I go back to oncologist Tuesday hopefully to resume current treatment or a possible change and if my insurance will cover it, I can get injections for the low platelets. I have cancer coverage and it’s supposed to be crazy expensive for these shots. I guess they don’t offer them because of the cost and most people can’t cover the expense. Our advice is if you can get extra coverage on your insurance for cancer (it’s an extra policy) get it. We would probably be losing our house if we didn’t have it.

Hanging in there because I have to.

We are all healing from something. Be it healing the mind, body or soul.

This week I lost a few people that meant something to me. The odd thing about these losses is that I never met any of them. The first was a distant family member that passed at a relatively young age doing what he loved most. He passed surrounded by God’s green earth, a stream and nature and his fishing pole in the water. He loved to fish and that is where he ascended. I never met him but I know his mom and late dad and I remember his wife from when we were teenagers “from home” . Good people.

One of those people, and don’t judge me, was Jerry Springer. Never met him. But he died from what I have. I admit I would catch his crazy show once in a blue moon and I was more fascinated than anything. RIP Jerry. They say you changed tv.

The other person is someone that also has what I have. I heard she was in hospice as of last evening. I never met her but was put in contact with her for support when I found out my situation. We exchanged a few emails and I instantly liked her. She is a bit older than me and from what I know, she is creative, smart and was able to hold interesting conversations that held the attention of her younger caretakers. She left an impact on them. That’s kind of a rare thing, I think. She was in a retirement home.

I’m waiting for an update on her so I don’t want to refer to her in the past tense.

So, my mind is healing from the news of the past few days. I had to skip chemo last week so hopefully the spacing out every three weeks instead of two doesn’t screw up my temporary recovery.

I’m going to continue to heal thyself where I can.

Today I made the mistake of looking for a name in the obituary section of the newspaper online and accidentally came across the name of a man that passed away after his valiant fight with pancreatic cancer. It wasn’t his name that popped out, it was the words valiant fight against pancreatic cancer. Yesterday I told Mike I feel like I will outlive the projected timeline the doctor gave me. Then I read this and suddenly felt so defeated. But, he is not me. Yes, I am in the fight of my life. Today, everyday, I feel like I’m somehow winning. This is why I pull cards from my Woodland Wardens Oracle deck. I love animals and flowers and these cards give me food for thought on the daily. Today’s card helps me to get my creativity going. Last evening I said to Mike ” I feel like we should be out in the world doing something.” But what does one do when the weather isn’t great and one is in their 60’s? Well, one does what I call old people shit. We have sown our crazy oats and a day out is just driving around , listening to the radio, picking up meds, gassing up the car, hitting Jean Marc in Millvale for Sunday morning croissants and then to LoLa to visit the Fat Butcher. This morning after reading that obit, I cried for one minute on Mike’s shoulder then said “I gotta do dishes” and it was over. I’m not so sure what my creative ingenuity will develop into today but I know I have to scrub my kicks in Oxy soap and then soak a couple of tops too that got stained from the most excellent Mexican food Mike made yesterday. For creative ingenuity, perhaps I shall make adult bibs. I never seem to escape a meal without a stain on my blouse🫤

Check out this video on YouTube:

this is just one of my favorite Wilco songs. It goes between peace and chaos. We have seen these guys so many times and this is the one song I wait for. Kind of like life.

April Come She Will https://g.co/kgs/CTJynA

Back story about this song.

When I was in 9th grade, we had to make up a creative dance to a song. I chose this because I thought it was a beautiful song musically and lyrically. It is Simon and Garfunkel.

To my delight, it was also only a little over a minute if my memory serves me well.

I saw this come up on my Instagram feed and the memories came flooding back.

It hold such a different meaning for me now. With each flip of the page, I count down my days.

Although I feel mostly well physically, the mental cloud that will hang over me for the rest of my days at times becomes very heavy. In those sad moments, I cry alone. I keep it brief then I move on.

The chemotherapy room is full of people like me. Today, I joined Cancer Bridges online which is a support group that meets via zoom several times a month. It took me a long time to do it. Guess I just had to be really ready to listen, learn and share.

Come, she will.

Anthony put in two full weekend days with his boss to make fifty astronaut head coverings to fit the women that will be going to space. He is sew great at what he does! I’m a very proud mom as always. I have mixed feelings about him leaving this job but he said Pittsburgh his true home. Why is everything like a double edged sword! Happy and heartbreaking all at once. This is life.

All systems are go! Trying to keep a positive attitude.

we left the house at 7:15 for an 8 o clock appointment. Long day. Got home around 2:30. I always lose my voice after chemo for a couple of days, can’t have any cold drinks. Everything must be almost tepid. I also get very tired. I have mild pain in my abdomen today. That might be because I had a piece of toast at 6 am and an apple at noon. I had a half of a meatloaf sandwich and some piping hot McDonalds fries and they were great! I had a nice older fellow in my pod today. He moved here from Croatia in 1965 and he talked pretty much nonstop about a lot of things. He was pleasant but I am kind of quiet so I just listened. It was difficult because he spoke with the mask on six feet away and he was a quiet talker and although his English was good, it made for a rather exhausting day for me. But he was very sweet and I learned a-lot about long distance truck driving and home construction and mean dogs and Once Mike got there at the end of the day they talked about Croatia. That was my reprieve as I know nothing about Croatia. But I do now! Lol

So the young man that bought my parent’s house ran into a relative and that person was telling him where the pool used to be and how the back deck ran along the wood line behind their house. It was always hotter than hell on that deck but my mom always was up for a family gathering even as we alll turned into almost senior citizens ourselves. Lol So that was a nice story he told the new owner. This picture was taken in Cape May as the sun set. We got a pizza and found a quiet spot away from Cape May itself and sat on a guard rail. This was pre pandemic.