The Stillroom

This is a picture from a couple of years ago. The tree was at the beginning of the woods in our backyard. It was eventually cut down.

I’m feeling sorry for myself this early Monday morning. It’s wrong. I know. I had a not great Sunday emotionally and was very much alone in my own head. Not a fun place to be. I don’t think I spoke a hundred words all day.

I dread going to chemo today. It’s such a long day. I know I’ll get by just fine because I have to. This is a part of the journey. Good days are great, what constitutes a bad day seems silly when it comes down to it.

I am going to try and be more grateful for the life I have now. Even though it’s not the one I want. I feel like pulling away and I don’t even know what that means.

I have to remember that Mike is on the other side of this and it can’t be easy for him either. I imagine a wife that doesn’t say much at times might be a blessing. Lol

Just venting. I am sure the day will get better. I just have to find the good. I know it’s there somewhere.

I have to get ready to go. Yes, feelings are a tough customer.

Here is the good news update

Everyone in my pod is pleasant.

Not that this is good news but we are all in treatment. There are four of us and one guy has what I have, one lady has colon cancer and a young man has testicular. We are sharing our journeys so it’s almost like a therapy session. We are all here for five hours so they will spring us around four. It will still be light out. My cancer numbers dropped from a hundred thousand to ten thousand so that means the treatment is working. I don’t know exactly what the numbers are but they are trending in the right direction. So that has lifted my spirits. The doctor has adjusted a little bit of my chemo again and upped the steroid number to try and avoid the tingling sensation and slurred speech so I’m hoping that will work out ok.

I’m feeling grateful now and not so sad and depressed as I was earlier. I think the thought of having to be here just got to me in the wee hours of the morning.

We all agree it’s a real mental game staying upbeat all of the time. My doc is putting me in touch with the palliative care provider here. I don’t need it yet but I will at some point. I thank my new friend through email Trish for giving me that sage advice. I will be established at some point so that is good.

I guess that’s it for now. Three more hours to go.

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Check out this video on YouTube:

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long beautiful hair. Shining, gleaming, streaming, flaxen, waxen. –

From the musical Hair

Then and now.

1972 graduation pic taken (for graduation in 1973) during hurricane Agnes. The challenge was keeping that long hair in check!

Now, no hair.

Clearing off the picture wall at moms house, my sister returned all graduation pics to us.

Enjoying these last few days of feeling good before next treatment on Monday. Praying for good results once again🙏

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other than my episode at the end of my treatment yesterday, I am feeling a hundred percent better than the first round. I’m up and out of bed, doing laundry, straightening (Redding up) the house a bit. Fending off the cat away from my pump that’s attached to me, thawing some cod for lunch. Just wow. So, it looks like I am trying to learn to love my face. How can I lose almost 30 pounds and still have these cheeks? Well, those are from my beloved grandma Ameel. Everything is shrinking but this face, although it has a little. I decided since the trend is showing our old faces, I thought I’d try and embrace the face. Never the neck though. Never the neck. It’s just sad and saggy. No one needs to see that. I decided to show my wig today, which I will most likely not wear but maybe when the temps get bitter and I have to go out, I’ll consider it. In the meantime, it’s head wraps and knitted caps. I am happy today❤️Make no mistake though, I am in mourning over officer Justin. Always in my thoughts as I see the blue lights throughout the towns and how people do come together in spite of all of the bullshit that goes on in our world that can be so divisive.

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today is chemo day. I’m just rolling with the punches, hoping it goes better than the first round. It will be a long day, about six hours. It might be a few days until I post again. Mike and Anthony have birthdays on the 11th. I did manage to get cards but Anthony’s Will probably get to him late. First birthday away from home.☹️ Life is so unpredictable.

I’m having my treatment now. My doctor said they are reducing the chemo by 25 percent so it won’t beat me up as bad as last time. I guess there is a starting point where they see how it is tolerated and since I was a train wreck they are adjusting accordingly. So far, so good. Fingers crossed for a better week!

so I just had a rough episode that brought five nurses and a doctor. This is at the end of the day. I had twitching around the mouth, slurred speech, elevated bp and hot. I needed a steroid injection to bring symptoms under control.

Finally on my way home at 4:15. Hoping for a quiet night and restful days ahead! Just super tired. Cold sensitivity in hands is very evident. It’s mittens for the next few days.

i definitely don’t feel as wiped out as I did with my first treatment. I was able to have a piece of toast and some tea for a light supper. Now I just have to tolerate sleeping with this pump for two nights. They will disconnect it Wednesday afternoon. Can’t wait for that!

We switched out porch light over to a blue bulb in honor of Brackenridge officer Justin. How can I not honor him especially since my dad and brother in law were retired officers. Both have passed to their great reward, dad of old age and brother from illness at a young age. Both are missed terribly.

Sad days in our town. Sad days indeed. Godspeed officer, godspeed.

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Here is one of the new knit hats from Judy! I love it so much I took a rare picture of me! Feeling pretty good today. Mike put me in the car for a drive to the grocery store. Since I was diagnosed I kind of stopped cooking (mostly). I had to ditch green beans, celery, onions, carrots, radishes and lettuce. It was an embarrassment of vegetables that went unused. I have never done that before. Since I didn’t have my chemo last week, I have felt almost like a normal human. I go again on Monday so I have to start to mentally prepare myself for down time. I wasn’t sick, I was just super weak and that was hard to not be able to do anything other than sleep. I’m hoping to have a talk with my doctors about how this is going to pan out. I can’t see myself doing that every two weeks. The day I started to feel better was the day I was to have another treatment. I think I would be in bed constantly for four months. I still can’t believe I have stage four cancer with no cure because I feel so good right now. We all meet our fate at some point, I know. But, this is particularly difficult just not knowing anything other than my time on this planet it limited way more than I thought it would be. Funny how life turns out, eh? Maybe I will get two years. That would be nice as long as I’m not bed ridden.

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I am so touched today. I received beautiful head coverings from long time family friend Judy from Maine. So very unexpected. Judy is a master knitter and sent these beautiful pieces to cover my bald head and some new gloves too! Judy, this brought me to tears. I cry like a baby when ever something unexpectedly good happens so thank you from the bottom of my heart. I know everyone is praying for me and missing me at the shop too. I’m always so deeply touched. From words of encouragement and offers of help, so many are doing their best to help give me hope and to help me cope with this heavy load. I am eternally grateful from the dad jokes my cousin sends me to the good vibes I know are flowing through the air. How do I thank everyone? I am grateful for feeling ok today. I do have a migraine with the usual wavy vision so I’m going to take a Tylenol and close my eyes until this vision disturbance subsides. It should pass soon. Thanking the sun gods today too. It sure helps.

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My niece made this beautiful needlepoint for me. She knows me well. Kitties and flowers☺️

Today I have to see a nurse at the oncology office because I have these lumps that appeared above my port. I don’t know what they are but blood clots are what comes to mind. They flushed the port last week and drew blood for blood work which turned out to be good. But these lumps have appeared over the past days that have me concerned. I’ll see the nurse this afternoon so I’ll report back as soon as I know what these are. Trying to not be concerned until I have to be. One more day, one more hurdle to jump over. I’m enjoying good days in the meantime. If I would have had My scheduled treatment last week, I would still be in bed weak and tired. I just could not do it. Next Monday I’ll start again. I have to mentally prepare for that. Ugh!

Update…

So it turns out the lumps that appeared above the port is scar tissue. Three nurses looked and all agree that is what these are. My main concern was that whatever these were would not interfere with my upcoming five hour treatment this coming Monday.

My newest symptom is swollen ankles. I thought maybe because of the smoky Gouda Snyder potato chips I was eating with wreckless abandon. I went from basically a no salt diet (because I don’t really like salt) to losing my mind over these chips. So, I’m basically back to no salt or as little salt as possible and lots of water drinking to see if this will help.

I suppose it has something to do with getting older too? 🫣

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Check out this video on YouTube:

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ripple lyrics https://g.co/kgs/5bYCcZ

My favorite Grateful Dead song and lyrics.

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