The Stillroom

Part of leaving the planet is making sure things go to the right people. So today, I have loaded up all of the vintage hats and boxes and took them to a friend that loves this stuff as much as I do. At the other end, all of the lavender bundles and loose lavender and rose petals and cinnamon sticks and fragrant spices went to another friend that is involved with the local garden club. I know they will be out to good use. This brings me joy on this beautiful sunny day! I got my schedule for my liver biopsy next week and so begins the journey of getting some definitive answers to all of my worries. I hope all of the prayers be prayed for me reach the proper channels. I think when answers come, emotions will start to kick into high gear. Right now, in this moment, I feel oddly at peace. I have to stop reading how painful of a death this will be. That is what shakes me more than anything. Oh well. That’s my current state.

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No, I’m not passed out on the floor. Lol I’m painting a door and had to get down on the floor to trim the bottom. Hope I didn’t scare anyone👻.

So, yesterday I had to go and get extra blood work at Quest. The doctors office called at 1:20 and the needle was in my arm at 1:40 so that was the next step in my journey. I’m now waiting for another call to let me know when to get my liver biopsy at St. Margaret’s. Nice and close. I like that.

My Mike arrived back home yesterday and although there were a few tears shed, we both realized it’s time to just buck up and move on with this life we have now. We shared more laughs than tears. We are both pretty funny people. That was probably the initial attraction all of those years ago.

I always said we are the left handed middle kids in our families. A little weirder than the rest of our siblings. We were each other’s first love. I know, corny. We didn’t go to our high school proms and did not date much. But, when he was hired as a dish washer at a Pizza Hut I worked at, we became fast friends. That friendship eventually blossomed into just the best relationship ever. It took about a year.

It’s nice when you meet someone in the most unexpected ways! After raising one beautiful son and seeing him off to his dream job in Texas, we both feel like we did something better than good.

I feel more at peace today. My mild nerve pill that I take for sleep seems to keep me a bit sluggish in the mornings so I do have to push myself a bit harder. The sun is up, it’s shining for me and the elections are finally concluded. The worst part of the CT scan on Sunday was sitting through about forty minutes of what seemed to be non stop political ads of Americans just hating on one another and I know that’s not who we are.

Well, this is day thirteen. I received some nice cards in the mail over the past few days. I got an unexpected book from a dear friend called ‘Conversations with God’. I’m reading it bit by bit.

Love comes from everywhere. My brother sent me a funny piece of artwork he dug up while he was looking for some documents. I’ll post that tomorrow. He didn’t find what he was looking for originally.

Time to share some laughs too!

Oh, this rollercoaster I’m on.

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These are two of my favorite pictures. The stormy sea is from my moms house. It was always in the computer room. The swirling snow woman is actually a Christmas card I sent out many years ago. I liked is so much I kept one for framing.

My early morning desperation has diminished a little. I’m doing laundry, sweeping out the garage entrance to the house. The vestibule has a lot of foot traffic and I tend to ignore it. Yesterday I went to Big Lots and bought a sort of horse hair mat for the garage side of the door and a new softer, wipeable one for inside the door. Swept and wet mopped. I cleaned the cats automatic water dispenser. New filter and fresh water.

I’m packing a few things up for restock so I’ll be out in the sun and crisp air soon.

I misplaced a bag of things to replenish at the shop. Crap. I’ve looked everywhere. I even went back to the shop to see if I left it there yesterday!

I am grateful that I feel so good which is why this is all so hard to understand. Next on the agenda will be the needle biopsy.

On this note, I guess my Woodland Warden oracle card helped in that moment🐺🦌🐿🦅

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I haven’t pulled a card from my oracle deck in a long time. As I was going through my desk, I decided to pull the top card as usual. Lo and behold, it was the card for hope. Gosh, I really need this. It means hardship is coming to a close and better days are ahead. I shall take heart in this message❤️

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Give Me Love
Give Me Love https://g.co/kgs/FA3SaJ

I’m having a good morning. Anyone that knows me, knows I’m a music junkie.

I felt this was a good song to post on this sunny Monday morning as I have no pictures to post that are from today.

I picked up my check from the shop. I treated myself to breakfast at Starbucks. I know, fancy schmancy. A lovely tall peppermint mocha and a brekkie sandwich.

I’m finally packing up a beautiful Frank Lloyd Wright lamp to send to Anthony. I found it years ago at an estate sale. I’m pretty sure it was from a WQED fundraiser and Mike said the “kid” needs a lamp by his bed. He said you can tell Anthony is a bachelor. Lol

Anyhow, I’m waiting to hear my results from yesterday’s test so I’m just hanging in there. Waiting for step three.

Thank you for reading and thank you for all of the prayers for me. I do appreciate it!❤️

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Of course, I had crazy dreams about being late for my CT scan. I dreamed I ate oyster crackers then remembered I was supposed to fast. I got lost, I went up a steep hill in my car and the undercarriage was caught at the crest so I got out and picked the back end of the car up and put it on the road at the top. There were dead ends, locked doors, a wild dog that ran past me when I managed to open a locked door then I was on a road of ice. Sheesh. What does all of that even mean? I will be leaving the house in about an hour and even though this test is the beginning of what I feel is going to be a very rough road, I am dreading it. Even though it’s painless, I’m nervous. I’m trying to be brave and I know I will be brave but that doesn’t change how I feel. I’m glad I’m doing this by myself. I need to prove to me that I know how to move forward and handle what life is throwing at me right now. In a few days, Mike will be by my side and somehow that is going to make this all the more real. I feel like I’m living in some kind of denial because I feel mostly pretty good. I’m taking in every moment and every step with a weird sense of calm. I think once we start to get more answers everything will change. Once testing and treatment begins, that’s when I will start to feel shitty. Well, it’s 5am and I have to hit the shower in a few minutes so I will wrap up here. I will follow up later and write about how great the people at the hospital are because I know they are there to provide comfort. I will need that.

The worse part of the CT scan was waiting an hour and fifteen minutes because the tv was on and as you are all well aware, nothing but political commercials. I can’t wait for this election to be over. The CT scan had confirmed in more detail what the ultrasound suggested. My doc will review with me Monday or Tuesday. The scan itself is pretty easy. I got there at 6:30. I was given a thing in my arm and told to drink two bottles of water in an hour so most of the time sitting is drinking water. I downed one bottle from 7:15 to 7:45 and started the second one when the tech came on got me and said we were good to go. The scan itself was about ten minutes. He was so sweet telling me maybe they got it early or maybe it’s benign, not to panic. He was very kind. When I was changing back into my shirt (you leave clothes on except I had a long sleeve top on and so I had to wear a gown so they could put the needle in my arm to administer the dye). When he took the needle out he put a bandage on it and I proceeded to my dressing room. When I looked at my arm it was covered in blood. Like dripping enough to cover my forearm. I didn’t even feel it. I saw a woman getting someone else a gown and I said “I have a situation here” to which she said “oh my” and proceeded to get another person that cleaned my arm up and bandaged my arm to stop the bleeding from when they took the port out. I guess it’s a port. I don’t know what else to call it. I gathered my belongings and walked back out into the early Sunday morning. It was warm and quiet and peaceful. It was a nice moment as the place is pretty quiet at that time of day. Mission accomplished. I did step two. I stopped at Sams and filled my gas tank and bought croissants at Walmart because I wanted a turkey sandwich for my meal today. I painted another cupboard in the kitchen and then met my family at my dads house so he could see the final improvements made so we can put the house on the market. He was happy. I then spent most of the afternoon sleeping because I was so tired from the night before. Now to wait for Monday and find out just how bad this is and move through another day of locked doors, dead ends and fog and question marks.

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Sometimes, life leaves ya hanging.

I usually jump out of bed and get out early. Today was different. I took a mild nerve pill before bed last night but my eyes still opened at four am.

My stomach really ached a lot last night so I put a heating pad on it for comfort and it seemed to tame it down.

When I wake in the middle of the night, I almost always put on a podcast to lull me back to sleep. Usually I listen to true crime or David Spade or Rob Lowe. I will tackle Wordle and a mini crossword puzzle.

I fell back to sleep and then just had weird dreams. I mean, really weird. I opened my eyes at seven then felt like I slept in late. Late for what? I fed the cat (I gave her a small spoonful of food at 9 last night and she slept in too) and was ready to get up and out and decided to lay back in bed and watch yesterdays tv recordings.

It is actually nice to do this. I have to be up and out tomorrow morning at 6 for my CT scan so today, I rest. At least for a bit longer.

I have things to do today and it’s going to be beautiful. Im visiting my dad this afternoon so I do kind of have to bust a move. Now with the time change Im worried that I’ll sleep in and miss my hospital appointment. Ugh!

Always something.

We spoke with our son yesterday and I told him I need him to be Superman at his new job. That’s what I need from him. We will handle things up here.

I think Im going to wrap it up here for this beautiful Saturday morning but will follow up with how my day went and how Im feeling both physically and mentally at the end of the day.

Right now, I truly think Im just going through the motions of what I have to do to get through another day. Shower, try and eat something that won’t mess me up, vacuum and mop the kitchen. Still painting. Not sure why I even started that bc I don’t like to paint. Still gathering stuff for Goodwill so there will still be trips to there today as well.

Office and workshop are starting to look lean. Not quite an echo in that room but definitely stripped down from where I started.

Later

It was a productive day today. Other than my nerves being frazzled, clearly keeping busy is the key. It’s so hard to occupy my mind though. I have so much I feel I need to take care of and I am trying so hard. I did the usual. I took my dads pills to him and turned that duty over to my sister in law now that my life is a question mark. It was a nice drive down 28 and construction was halted for the weekend so it was smooth sailing. I handed off his meds but didn’t stay as usual. Dad is coming up to the house tomorrow to see it most likely for the last time. All of us “kids” will be there. Im looking forward to that. The house is ready to put on the market and I have to say it is in move in condition. My sister and I did a great job getting it painted and updated. I came home and made some headway with my painting project. Im am tired though. Still no pain to speak of, just occasional mild discomfort but that could just be everyday aches. I guess that it for now. Good night 🌙

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Dear life,

Know that I love you,

That I have always loved you,

In ways that go without saying,

In seasons that tease you to give up,

At your worst, at my worst,

I love you

I have never needed a reason,

Your existence is reason enough

-C. Poindexter

Such beautiful words. I wish they came from my head and heart. Too beautiful to hold them to just me and not share.

It’s 5:30 and the cat is losing her mind for breakfast. Have I created this monster?

I’m hoping for another day of hope. I’m wishing for a day of peace of mind. I’m praying for sunshine and blue skies to lift me.

I just want to exist in a place of peace.

I keep waiting for something to hurt. For something noticeably bad. I’m waiting for my skin to yellow. I’m waiting on a happier time that I know won’t come.

I know I am not alone in this. But I am alone in this. Facing my mortality. I am old. I am not old.

What are thoughts and prayers? Do they go into my body and heal me? Are there miracles? I know from personal experience, there are no miracles.

The only thing I wish for is a painless and peaceful journey into the universe.

Surrounded by love, leaving no pain inflicted by my demise.

Why is it we don’t see friends or family every day but just knowing they are walking the earth is comfort enough?

Oh well, I’m sure once I’m up and showered and dressed and look to another day my spirits will lift.

Amen

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It’s still dark out. I was able to get some rest last night. I’m up and showered and dressed and as usual, my car is packed up so I can finish putting some mighty fine locally made goods on The Stillroom shelves. The beyond delicious Orange Cranberry Pecan brittle is in stock (from a very small candy maker from Bucks County) and is selling at wholesale prices so go snatch them up! I’m stocking some most excellent homemade varieties of fudge from Wisconsin and oh my!

The Stillroom pantry at Diamond Antiques & Gifts is ready with all of the tea, honey, sweets and dry goods for your shopping pleasure.

I’m sipping my morning chamomile tea and contemplating my next step. So, today we break some very sad news to our son and I’m going to remain as upbeat as I can. I mean, At this point, everything is just a question mark.

There are no solid answers so it is like living in a fog. I’m feeling a little down this morning so I put on a pink top. I think it’s working.

When I immerse myself in my shop I find real peace and joy. So that’s where I’m going in a few. I work in the dark ( my space is lit) before the other vendors arrive because I don’t really want to see anyone yet.

Today’s pic is a reflection of autumn weeds and a puddle. Kind of how I feel.

I have to get on this paint project when I get back. Keeping busy is all there is.

I found a paper on how to properly say a rosary. I think it was from my moms house when we were going through things after she passed over Easter this year. I know most of it but forgot how to say the Apostles Creed. I have a pretty set of beads and always kept them in a special little container I bought at Sunset Beach in Cape May a few years ago. It is a very good meditation.

I always told Mike when I pass I want my ashes tossed into the Allegheny River. I love this river valley so much. But, I still have time to reconsider as he and Anthony balked at that idea. This was a conversation we had last year before all of this happened. Anthony said no, they would dump me off at Sunset Beach. We went there a lot with the kids back in the day.

That would be nice. But, the sun hasn’t set on this girl yet❤️

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Into the fog I go.

I’m finding early morning fresh air and a hunt for some good pictures really does the mind a lot of good! It’s a particularly foggy morning today. The cat is starting to decide she needs food at four a.m. now. Dear Lord, what will happen when clocks change? Are we look at three a.m.? Sheesh! Anyhow, I was up but faked sleep and she eventually gave up. I fed her at six, got myself together and was at The Stillroom working in my space for an hour to get ready for the holiday open house that is today!

I went to Goodwill to donate some pretty nice stuff left from the fall shopping season and some costume jewelry that I was hanging on to and not wearing.

After that, I just drove around looking for some moody pics and nature did not disappoint. I took a short stroll through Brackenridge park along the river.

I headed to McDonald’s for my buck cup of pretty decent coffee and kept driving around.

The fog will be burning off soon and the sun should make an appearance.

I have a paint project I need to get back to so that’s the agenda for today. Good thing Mike is away for another week. Paint projects are best when home alone because I can move at my own pace, which is slow and carefree.

I haven’t used the stove for a week now. That shows you who likes to cook and who likes McDonald’s pancakes. Lol A fine carry out brekkie lasts me until late afternoon. The fridge is literally empty. I boil water for tea and that’s about it.

Don’t read anything into the cemetery shots, it’s really a beautiful place and is in my back yard. As for the stand of pine trees, I have loved that little patch of pine forever. I’m sure I take that picture at least once a year.

I am pushing through the fog that is now my life until we get these upcoming appointments moving.

Enjoying myself while I still feel good. I guess that will change soon enough.

In the meantime, blessings still abound.

Amen

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